to be or not to be
by Q0BrA
Summary: Severus is thinking about his life and draws a conclusion


To be or not to be  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own this.  
  
It was a cold night. The moon was full and shining bright over the lake. Severus looked up and sighed deep. The air was a bit too fresh for his taste. It was almost Christmas. The holiday had started and most students had gone home to celebrate it. It was at times like these that Hogwarts was at its best. Quiet, peaceful, just as a holiday should be.  
  
He wondered how Lupin was feeling tonight. After the improvement of the Wolfsbane potion the transformation wasn't much worse than menstruation cycle. Only the full moon itself made the transformation complete, but in the morning he would be human again. Then again, Lupin hadn't been well since Black's death, more than one year ago. He was the last one left from the Marauders. All of their deaths were related to the Dark Lord.  
  
Wasn't it ironic; the more tangible the threat of the Dark Lord got, the more students who wanted to go home during the holiday. They should know by now that no place is safer than Hogwarts. As if they think it's going to be their last Christmas at home, their last chance to eat together with the whole family. Next year they could be killed by Death Eaters. Happy New Year!  
  
Bitterly he thought that his heart must be as cold as the snow in the trees of the dark forest. He was a Death Eater too, not loyal anymore but still. He was part of the reason those students were afraid. Of course they were afraid of him, but only for the risk of detentions and loss of house points. They did not worry about their lifes. They shouldn't. Most of the students weren't even capable of thinking how valuable life was. They couldn't realise the importance of a simple idea such as death. They shouldn't.  
  
He swallowed and corrected himself mentally. He had been a loyal Death Eater and that's what counts, didn't it. He HAD killed, willingly, presumably dozens of muggles and muggleborns, just to be part of the group. Just because he didn't want to be the outsider again. Did he care what he was doing? NO, he didn't. Did he know what he was doing? YES, he most certainly did.  
  
Why did Dumbledore take him back? Why did the old fool trust him? He was a Death Eater, for crying out loud! It would have been so much easier, just to sent to Azkaban. Or have been kissed, right away. Because now, after so many years of spying, they were suspecting him. Suspecting him of being not loyal to his Master. Which meant he had to prove his loyalty again. He had been given an assignment. It could have been worse, of course. He could have been subjected to the torture session from hell. The Dark Lord himself was very experienced in that area. In fact, it had been Severus who had given him advices. To be tortured by the Dark Lord makes Crucio a pleasant tingle, a caress of a lover. Oh Irony.  
  
The assignment wasn't difficult. He had all the opportunities, including alibi's, to perform this..oh, just name it - murder. Apparently he had changed. Killing wasn't a sport anymore. Not the average occupation of the mind and body. He could have killed the girl in numerous ways. A simple Avada Kedavra, though he had never liked that. He had never used it on a human being anyway. He could also just shoot her, with a gun, or stab her with a knife, right in her heart. Muggle ways, to make it more painful, at least mentally. If he wanted to make it painful, he could just use one of his potions. A powerful poison, developed by his Potions Master who taught him at Hogwarts, to make a person suffer for at least 36 hours. After that, the poison doesn't kill her, it'll make her go insane. She'll eventually kill herself, out of desperation, when the pain becomes unbearable. The best thing is, it doesn't leave traces.  
  
But he didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to kill her either. Otherwise a simple infusion of wormwood and asphodel with a drop of snake venom would do the trick. He wasn't going to kill her. Not because of who she was, but he had killed enough people. It was time to leave the dark past behind himself. He could only take one life: his own.  
  
It had taken him a few years to do it. He made preparations for his death, for what happened to his belongings after his death. The most difficult was to accept the fact that the world would be better off without him. He often thought that they might as well have sent him to Azkaban, for he didn't possess any happy thoughts anyway. Was he happy when he was still a Death Eater? No, just content. Had he ever been truly happy in his entire life? He couldn't remember. If this was life, he certainly didn't want it. He didn't want to hurt people anymore. The only way to stop it, was to kill himself. For the first time, he would make people happy. Ironic though, how ones death can make others happy.  
  
He thought for very long as to how to kill himself. He chose a simple potion. Powerful enough to kill a man his size and weight and not entirely painless. He could at least have the courage to feel the pain of dying. He looked over the lake and realised this was the last time he would see the reflection of the moon. The last time he would breathe the air. The last time he would hear the sound of footsteps. Wait a minute, footsteps? He was supposed to be alone. No student could be foolish enough to come here at this time of night. Couldn't they leave him in peace for at least a few minutes? Just long enough for him to kill himself. Just long enough to be gone forever.  
  
He knew the person was standing right behind him. Looking at him. The footsteps had been too fast to be from Dumbledore, or any other staff member, except perhaps Flitwick, but he didn't know there was such thing as an outside world. The only possibility was indeed a student. If it was a student, why would he or she still be standing there? He spoke without turning around:  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
Good at least his voice sounded normal. He heard a soft chuckle. The student was female.  
  
"I was wondering." She hesitated. No, not her. Not now. The reason, the very drop that made him commit suicide was the same that was withholding him from doing it. Again, the irony wasn't lost on him.  
  
"Sir, are you alright?" Yes, I'm fine. I'm only going to kill myself. He looked at her. She was serious. God, how he hated himself right now. He hated himself for what he had done and for what he was going to do.  
  
"Yes, miss Granger, I'm fine." He wanted to add more, but he didn't know what. He didn't know how to explain it. Should he apologise?  
  
With a smooth gesture he grabbed his wand. She hadn't noticed. Without a single change of expression he said: " Avada Kedavra". He disposed of the body and walked back to the castle. To continue the life that was no life.  
  
The end  
  
Please R&R. Special thanks to Laiagarien, who corrected my stupid mistakes. 


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